I don't know where to go or what to do. I don't prefer long posts but...

[mimitchigotchi]

I am awake again. It is a little past 3:30 AM. My boyfriend left just a few minutes ago.  The reality of feeling unsafe returns. The fight or flight.  Even when mom is on her best behavior... I know her ugly side will come again. And I know the past that I try to stuff away all very well.  I want desperately to keep it in the box. Kinda like in that warehouse in that one Indiana Jones movie. But I'll be damned if I can keep that crate away from me. It's almost like I literally go to the crate and look in and torture myself. Those intrusive thoughts. The demons that I face are my memories that haunt me.

Mom is behind on the taxes for the condo. If she doesn't have the money paid by the end of the month she's going to court. Also... If she doesn't replace all the window screens, the cap on the chimney, and make the door on the back balcony match the rest of the complex she's gonna be taken to court by the homeowner's association. If she loses this place I don't think I can move to another hell with her... it will be cities away because she can't afford anything near. I don't want to be away from my boyfriend... I can't. He's my only light in the darkness anymore.

Last move... I was stressed.  My mother wasn't prepared. She was stressing and not even packed by the move date. So it was extended. And I pretty much was the only packer until last minute when my brother started showing up to help. This was before I met my boyfriend. I literally felt like I couldn't go on. I got overwhelmed and hospitalized at a psychiatric facility.

The psyche ward told me that my mother was too much stress for me and that I needed to escape her. Three years later. No progress. And her money situation gets worse. I can't afford anything on my SSI. I'm a sitting duck to be tortured with another stressful move and to be far from my only escape from a living hell. 

My body is just... it's reacting so badly to stress. My hair falls out all over. A lot of the scalp has baby hair mixed in with long unhealthy mess. I'm not able to lose weight no matter what I do. The cortisol keeps the weight from coming off where it probably should by now. My body aches. I need caffeine to stay awake and my hobbies are so hard to do consistently. I clench my teeth and have nightmares about my mother and her being angry. I'm always anxious. Always tensed up. My chest sometimes hurts. Always short of breath. Stomach acid comes up easily and I vomit on occasion.

My social worker just can't find anything for me. I should have not denied the independent living before. My boyfriend didn't want me to go at the time... we didn't know my mother's BS with money she was in. Mom's hoping  I find a place before she leaves so she can accommodate for one and not hold back options because of me.

My boyfriend would force me to go with my idiot mother to be sheltered before letting me roam the street. I can't physically walk well though so it's not very likely I'd get far. So it's not feasible to run away. I may have already just walked out the door and been stubborn on the streets like I did in 2013. I don't remember much about that time..... I don't think I want to. I was always in the psychiatric ward because I didn't know what to do. Always in crisis mode. My boyfriend has kept me as safe as he can from her... and myself.

I'm mentally tired. So tired. I'm always getting nasty remarks about not cleaning quickly enough and not doing all of the dishes and trash in a timely manner. I barely can walk down the street but she's in so much pain. I believe it but to be honest I am not only in pain but so weak I was told to use a walker. I won't do it though because I'm stubborn. I came back to Virginia with a cane and rolling around to shop... I had to do so many chores immediately I ditched the cane cause my hands were full all the time.

I lean over the counter to do anything in the kitchen or sit down to do what I can do. I'm frail, unbalanced and weak. I can't break my body moving her crap again. I can't. My blood pressure was in the 200s on the top and well over 100 the bottom by the time I got to the psychiatric ward last time.  She said it'll be different because she's not getting rid of an ex that mooched off of her. No, he wasn't my issue. My issue was with her. 

I just can't go with her. I can't. The fear and anxiety is killing me. I'm scared. 

I there is a God or a universal energy or anything out there. Anyone... hear me. I need help. Please.