The Endless Quest for Happiness

She gave me a cook book when we moved in and started raging over it being in my room when I only took it to be polite. Of course this was before I knew how narcissistic and petty she was. She said it was special to her or whatever and that I never used it and I shouldn't have it. She may have legit forgotten giving it to me or just wanted to cause issues. Either way, don't give people your special stuff.

Also just to note that she was extra snarky about me not cooking. She acts like me only helping my bf cook when he visits means that I'm lazy and not good enough for her son. At least my bf understands it's because she makes me too uncomfortable to even use the kitchen without him being there. 

Then she accused me of taking a framed photograph of my bf during the move. Which is bogus because even if he gifted it to her, he took it long before we even moved into the apartment and he gave it to me instead. So now she's saying I stole it even though it has been gone longer than she even said. If she cared about it so much she should have noticed it missing before. I'm sure it stings that he would rather me have it than her too. I would feel bad about it but she didn't give him much reason to want her to have it.

Also I referred to my stuff as garbage while cleaning because I call my collection that as a meme kinda joke cause it's mostly anime related and can be viewed as a cringe hobby to a lot of society. She immediately tried to swoop in saying that if I didn't want it that she would take it.

At some point during the process, she said to put all of my small and scattered stuff on her bed because the living room was full, which is dumb because it really wasn't much and only there temporarily. It got put there unfortunately by her being so pushy and later I flat out refused to go in her room to get them. I told her it wasn't my room and I didn't feel comfortable in there. So she tried to interrogate me. I told her I didn't need to give her a reason and that I was uncomfortable so that should be enough. 

I gather upon further thought that she likely was trying to use the you can go in my room so I should be able to go into yours logic. As in there's nothing to hide. I'm not hiding anything. It's my personal space and I don't want anyone or anything that makes me uncomfortable in it.

Also, she went to work today and returned shortly after. I hope that she didn't flat out quit the job or get fired. She barely makes it on two part time jobs. Her family pays most of her portion of her living expenses. I feel like they might have cut her off already if I wasn't living with her. Oma talked me into moving in with her so maybe she feels somewhat responsible. I appreciate them helping both of us. They literally aren't obligated.

I try to see things from other people's point of view. It's hard for me to view things in a narcissistic, paranoid, and vindictive manner when it's not how I operate. I can try and sympathize with her having mental illness but only so much. When someone is not taking their meds and actively taking part of therapy to help themselves, others tend to give up trying to help them. Not everyone needs medicine and therapy. If you do though it's not a weakness. If you work with it then it's a strength. It shows that you can do well despite a disability of sorts.

Plus my bf gave me a photo that I didn't even know was given to her first instead. I've kept it and cared about it of course. I got blamed though. If I wasn't immediately profiled as a thief I wouldn't mind returning it and just printing a new photo of him. Instead of asking me about it I was immediately attacked. 

I would like to be reasonable and respectful about things. Instead I automatically get attacked without being communicated with. A lot of issues come from her not saying anything.

I feel that she could benefit from medication and taking therapy seriously. Now that a person at her work said she seems like she doesn't need medicine she's all about that and it definitely shows in her personal life even if not directly in her professional life.

She said I'm on too much medication which I suspect is to label me as a junkie. I actually communicate with my doctor's and I try to be as proactive about my mental health as I can. I'm mandated to comply with my medical care because of I don't I can become a danger to myself or others due to schizophrenia. I don't have the luxury to decide if I want care or not. 

I am disgusted by her leaving an empty booze bottle in my room after harassing me and Chris while we were working on putting up a bed frame and cleaning. We didn't want her help and she said I was in the way with various beat around the bush implications. 

I'm not trying to be better than her or whatever she thinks I'm trying to do. I don't know. I can only jump to conclusions because she lacks communication skills. Everyone is on a different place with their life journey. No ill will to her but I hope she gets herself together and starts thinking about her future. 

I get no respect at all. I don't feel that I can ask her for space reasonably without an attitude. I told her the apartment is smoke free when we moved in because her boyfriend was smoking weed and she didn't even try to stop him and gave me an attitude instead. If she can't obey rules set by a landlady then why listen to me? (Don't get me started on her multiple arrests since she's been here...)

I know she was under psychosis from medication at some point but she really had no filter. She definitely thinks I'm a fat, ugly, lazy whore. She actually said that because she is able to work a job, though the majority of our year here she was unemployed strung out on Adderall, that I should clean the entire house. That's probably why I ended up having to do her and her boyfriend's dishes the whole year I've been here up until recently when I had carpal tunnel surgery. After that I quit doing it and now everything is a mess. I was told by her mother and my boyfriend that it was my fault for enabling her to treat me like garbage. Yes, maybe, but that doesn't mean my roommate is not treating me like trash.

I am on disability. I don't have the ability to work a regular job nor do I have the academics to do a sit at home job. I have a learning disability and only could pass some of my GED. My meds make me lethargic and spaced out. I'm on over 20 prescriptions.

Not only do I have PTSD, autism, and schizophrenia, but I have physical problems. I have a screwed up sciatic nerve, degenerative disk disease in my back, and my knees need replaced but they can't because of my weight which is screwed up from metabolic issues. Due to my mental health they denied gastric bypass. I'm trying to find a doctor for other options because I'm at risk for diabetes, Heath disease, and all kinda other crap. I have literal atrophied muscles from all the pain keeping me from walking regularly. I can no longer walk off my weight like I used to. Heck, I'm up all night some nights hurting.

Then there is someone privileged enough to function at a job that can not take care of themselves at all in their private life. Always jealous of others. Needing to feel love and be the center of attention. A spoiled princess that unfortunately gets everything handed to her so she never learns anything. The consequences to her actions are never harsh enough to try harder at anything in her life.

I really don't mind cleaning me or my boyfriend's dishes and wiping our mess from counters and the floor or microwave. After all he helps cook and stuff. I mind every time I turn around gunk is smeared all over the counters and stove and dishes are piled up days on end if I don't clean them. I don't even get any thanks or recognition unless my boyfriend is there to hear it. 

Don't even get me started with dirty laundry being hoarded for weeks then given to her elderly mother to wash. She can't just ask to use the washer and do it herself. No, she uses her mother. 

She uses her daughter's death for sympathy. She's narcissistic and twisted. It's extremely sad and heart wrenching. It's sad that her daughter would self harm and eventually die from heart problems a few years after an overdose caused her to need a pacemaker.

I'm literally miserable. I don't mean to lash out at anyone. But it's a roof over my head for now. Such is the repercussions of being on fixed income with my own problematic mother to run from.

I haven't been able to pick up my nerve pain medicine or allergy meds. I feel awful. I couldn't take my allergy meds a week before my surgery so now my head is full of liquid and it hurts badly after almost 2 weeks without it. 

This is all my fault though cause I chose to live with inconsiderate jerks. On the other side though living with my mom is worse in different ways. So either way I'm screwed cause I can't afford my own place being freaking disabled. 

I wish that I could have a normal life. It irritates me when people who are privileged to be able to function are entitled or lazy. It also makes me upset when people don't understand that just cause a person isn't literally in a wheelchair doesn't automatically make them able to function. Everyone is different.

A thing that one can do to help a disabled loved one is educate themselves on the disability their loved one has and try and understand how to help them or interact with them. My grandpa for instance didn't get it at first with the autism but after learning more about it later on he became more understanding and didn't push me beyond my limits and worked with me on how to function with limits the best I could. 

Also, how did my bf's mom not know I'm autistic? Why did she compare my autism to one of her friend's autistic children? It doesn't go away when you grow up nor should an adult be compared to a child like that...

I'm an introvert and on top of that I have autism. I don't want to interact with anyone unless I'm ready. 

I usually have my one safe person that I'll allow in my space for an extended period of time. Even then, I need a little alone time to recharge now and then.

Having a loud and obnoxious kind of person living with me like my mom before or my boyfriend's mom is NOT easy for me. People telling me that it's not that bad and that I'm making my own problems isn't helpful in the slightest. 

My brain is wired differently as a neurodivergent person. I may WANT to be normal and not be bothered by things, but that requires rewiring how I think entirely and it's not easy as just changing my mind or ignoring things that bother me and carrying on.

So, when I say it's a living hell for me to live with certain people, it literally is for me. Especially when they have different morals or don't take care of themselves and expect me to pick up the slack when I'm barely qualified to take care of myself. 

Like, literally. I'm just independent enough to not be thrown into a group home. I can't deal with taking care of anybody else's crap. 

My boyfriend, some freaking way, despite his problems is my safe person. Maybe he's the only person I can be full blown autistic around. I don't know. 

I wish he had a job. I need to get away from people that I'm extremely restrictive of myself around. I can't be myself. I just can't. I have to lock up so I'm not weird all over the place and self conscious or triggered or start getting all nervous and stimming and dropping dishes or accidently muttering to myself cause I'm trying to think so hard about what I'm doing. 

My brain isn't normal. I feel like I'm literally insane.