Dishes and Complex PTSD.
Sep. 1st, 2025 03:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mimitchigotchiUhg. I told my bf I was taking a break from washing dishes a minute. He said he didn't know why I was telling him and was annoyed.
Trigger Warning past this sentence.
Also, yesterday I had a literal meltdown. I hit myself, bit myself, and cut myself. I was upset over doing everything wrong. I cooked the pizza on 100 degrees too low. I set a bag on my bf's cord absentmindedly which he needed to pull the slack on. I was scolded and exploded over never doing anything right and I became self destructive.
My boyfriend keeps calling me the R slur. I age regress to a point that I have the attention and mental capacity of a literal child when I get intimated. When I'm in a more adult headspace I get really angry when my intelligence is belittled. I can preform tasks better on my own with nobody around. I rarely have time that I'm alone with nobody home. I'm a literal nervous wreck.
Oh, and don't even get me started on my grandparents who raised my monster mom. I lived with them growing up. My grandma always said that I'm a disgrace and pulled my hair and told me I wasn't good enough at being ladylike. My grandpa hit me with a belt just for leaving my toys out or breaking something on accident. I remember the time I broke the ceramic reindeer by playing with them behind the recliner. My grandpa sat down and they crunched. I was sad because I loved deer and playing with them already. I got hit too! It's one of my earliest memories.
Sorry, I'm used to getting cussed out for not immediately getting things done. If I didn't tell my mom I was taking a break and only took a few minutes I was gonna get given hell.
I can't disconnect dishes from being traumatized by a lunatic.
I still get nervous washing dishes with anyone around.
"How much water do you need to use to wash one dish?"
"You missed an entire spot over here."
"Don't do this. Don't do that."
Why in God's name am I scared to do any tasks with others looming over me or potentially able to walk out and stand near me?
I know I need to get over it. I know it's my problem that I created for myself. Is it easy to rewire my neural network? No. Am I trying? Yes. I've been in therapy 30 years struggling over a lot of crap. It's not easy to just reprogram years of childhood AND adult trauma. I don't even get recognized for at least doing my best. Why? Nobody believes I am even trying.
Trigger Warning past this sentence.
Also, yesterday I had a literal meltdown. I hit myself, bit myself, and cut myself. I was upset over doing everything wrong. I cooked the pizza on 100 degrees too low. I set a bag on my bf's cord absentmindedly which he needed to pull the slack on. I was scolded and exploded over never doing anything right and I became self destructive.
My boyfriend keeps calling me the R slur. I age regress to a point that I have the attention and mental capacity of a literal child when I get intimated. When I'm in a more adult headspace I get really angry when my intelligence is belittled. I can preform tasks better on my own with nobody around. I rarely have time that I'm alone with nobody home. I'm a literal nervous wreck.
Oh, and don't even get me started on my grandparents who raised my monster mom. I lived with them growing up. My grandma always said that I'm a disgrace and pulled my hair and told me I wasn't good enough at being ladylike. My grandpa hit me with a belt just for leaving my toys out or breaking something on accident. I remember the time I broke the ceramic reindeer by playing with them behind the recliner. My grandpa sat down and they crunched. I was sad because I loved deer and playing with them already. I got hit too! It's one of my earliest memories.
